Conflict brings truth to the surface. Conflict uncovers what people really think and feel. Conflict reveals unknown or unspoken.

In conflict situations, the main drivers of behaviour are often hidden below the waterline. If we don’t clarify those underlying causes, our attempts to resolve conflict may be sunk before we begin.

If we focus only on behaviour or actions we miss an opportunity to dig a little deeper and find out more about what is driving or motivating the actions. Often, if we first work on resolving those unspoken needs, behaviours and actions will change as well.

The SCARF Model of Social Needs

David Rock’s SCARF model explains five subconscious needs that drive our responses to social situations. These five needs can trigger either reward or threat responses in the brain that influence motivation, collaboration, and emotional reactions. The five components of the SCARF model are:

Status

This relates to our relative importance or position within a group. Feeling valued and recognised boosts our status and triggers a reward response, while threats to status – such as criticism or feeling overlooked or unheard – can provoke strong negative fight or flight reactions.

Recognise and protect the other person’s sense of importance and dignity during conflict.

  • Avoid criticising or embarrassing someone publicly or privately.
  • Use respectful language and acknowledge their contributions, which lessens defensiveness and helps calm emotions.
  • Sometimes, intentionally lowering one’s own status (backing down or softening authority) can defuse tension.

Certainty

This refers to our ability to predict the future or anticipate what’s coming next. The brain craves predictability, and uncertainty can lead to anxiety and stress. Providing clear information and timelines helps reduce uncertainty and promotes psychological safety.

Clearly outline what will happen next to help others feel more secure.

  • Explain actions, decisions, and next steps to remove ambiguity.
  • Follow agreed-upon protocols or scripts to provide consistency and predictability.
  • Avoid sudden changes in approach when people are distressed.

Autonomy

Autonomy is the sense of control over one’s environment and decisions. When people feel micromanaged or controlled, it threatens their sense of autonomy and generates resistance and stress. Allowing choices and some control supports motivation and engagement.

Offer choices and invite participation in solutions rather than dictating decisions.[2][1]

  • Encourage input and let people co-create solutions to restore a sense of control.
  • Limit instructions and reduce demands; instead, provide options.
  • Let team members select from a few positive actions, freedom to choose eases opposition and resistance.

Relatedness

Relatedness is our sense of connection and safety with others. Humans are social creatures and feeling isolated or excluded leads to feelings of threat and disengagement. Building trust and rapport helps meet this fundamental need.

Nurture a sense of safety and connection within the team.

  • Demonstrate care, compassion, and a willingness to support others.
  • Relate at the other person’s level – show you understand their feelings and what’s important to them.
  • Reinforce belonging: remind everyone that they’re valued team members.

Fairness

Fairness involves the perception of just and equitable treatment within social and work contexts. Perceived unfairness quickly triggers threat responses and undermines trust and cooperation. This is especially important in decision-making. People expect procedural justice and react instinctively if they feel it’s missing.

Be transparent, impartial, and considerate of everyone’s perspective.

  • Listen and acknowledge different viewpoints, repeating them back to confirm understanding.
  • Avoid making sweeping statements or prejudice-driven judgments.
  • Collaborate openly so each person feels their concerns and contributions are justly treated.

It’s Not About the Nail

Remember, it’s not about the nail. Sometimes the problem we feel is obvious and fixable is not the issue the other person is concerned about. Often, people just need a listening ear and some moral support to give them space to find their own solutions. It’s not about the nail…

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