Be a learner not a knower
In any conversation, we only know half the story – our own. So we need to ask, not tell. We know our intent, but not the impact we have on the other person. We know their impact on us, but not their intent. So we stay curious a little longer. The best way to do this is to focus on staying open-minded, asking questions and seeking clarification about our assumptions.
| Type of Conversation | Closed | Open |
| ‘What Happened’ Challenge: The situation is more complex than either person can see | Assumption: I know all I need to know to understand what happened. Goal: Persuade them I’m right. | Assumption: Each of us is bringing different information and perceptions to the table; there are likely to be important things that each of us doesn’t know. Goal: Explore each other’s stories; how we understand the situation and why. |
| Assumption: I know what they intended. Goal: Let them know what they did was wrong. | Assumption: I know what I intended and the impact their actions had on me. I don’t and can’t know what is in their head. Goal: Share the impact on me, and find out what they were thinking. Also find out what impact I’m having on them. | |
| Assumption: It’s all their fault. (Or it’s all my fault.) Goal: Get them to admit blame and take responsibility for making amends. | Assumption: We have probably both contributed to this mess. Goal: Understand the contribution system: how our actions interact to produce the result. | |
| ‘What are we Feeling’ Challenge: The situation is emotionally charged. | Assumption: Feelings are irrelevant and wouldn’t be helpful to share. (Or, my feelings are their fault and they need to hear about them.) Goal: Avoid talking about feeling. (Or, let ‘em have it!) | Assumption: Feelings are the heart of the situation. Feelings are usually complex. I may have to dig a bit to understand my feelings. Goal: Address feelings (mine and theirs) without judgements or attributions. Acknowledge feelings before problem solving. |
| ‘Who am I’ Challenge: The situation threatens my identity | Assumption: I’m competent or incompetent, good or bad, loveable or unlovable. There is no in-between. Goal: Protect my all-or-nothing self-image. | Assumption: There may be a lot at stake psychologically for both of us. Each of us is complex, neither of us is perfect. Goal: Understand the identity issues on the line for each of us. Build a more complex self-image to better maintain my balance. |
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