‘Ask, Don’t Tell’ is about staying curious and not jumping to conclusions about what someone’s feeling. Instead of assuming or telling them how they feel, you ask open-ended questions to understand where they’re coming from. This helps keep things clear, builds connection, and makes the other person feel heard. It’s also a good way to avoid misunderstandings and conflict.

Why it works

  1. Gets to the truth: Asking questions helps you get the real picture of how they feel, rather than guessing.
  2. Builds trust: When you ask, it shows you’re genuinely interested in their feelings, which makes them feel understood.
  3. Helps with self-awareness: Sometimes asking someone how they feel gives them a chance to reflect and figure out their own emotions more clearly.
  4. Prevents tension: If you just state how you think they feel, it can sound like you’re telling them what’s true, which could make them defensive. Asking lets them correct any wrong assumptions and avoid misunderstandings.

Example

Instead of saying, “You seem mad,” try something like, “How are you feeling?” or “What’s going on for you?”

We’re using the social awareness aspect of emotional intelligence to connect with others and understand them better. It’s about being curious instead of assuming, and it makes communication feel more real and less confrontational.

Watch out for

  • Asking too much: Don’t bombard them with questions — let the conversation flow naturally.
  • Asking just to get info: Make sure your questions are coming from a place of wanting to understand, not just satisfy your curiosity.

We can only ever guess are what others are thinking and feeling. We need to provide space for them to express themselves and share what is actually going on for them. ‘Ask, Don’t Tell’ is a simple but effective way to improve how you connect with others.

One way to open the conversation is to offer a suggestion about what you think may be going on. A good way to do this is to use phrases like:

  • It seems like…                 e.g. It seems like this may be very frustrating for you.
  • It sounds like…               e.g. It sounds like you’re feeling quite nervous about that.
  • It looks like…               e.g. It looks like you’re struggling with what to do next.

This allows room for the other person to either confirm your thoughts or to offer a more accurate description of what they are experiencing. Now we are able to give a more supportive response that encourages them to continue their story. It lets the other person know we’re listening and interested in hearing more.

Other useful phrases:

  • I’m curious about…
  • I’m so glad we’re having this conversation right now
  • Help me understand your perspective
  • Walk me through that
  • Tell me more
  • Paint a picture for me
  • Thank you for bringing this to me. I want to know more about what’s going on before I respond.
  • How is this impacting you?
  • What does fixing this look like to you?
  • Could we make a plan together for how to…
  • What might I do to support you?
  • Would you be comfortable continuing to check in on this to talk about some ways to approach the situation?

Ask questions that encourage the other person to continue. Listen more, talk less. People often already know what to do. Feeling heard and validated is usually the first step towards positive change.

See also Mentors: Stop Saying I Understand

And People Who Say These 5 Words Have Very Low Emotional Intelligence

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