Be a learner not a knower
In any conversation, we only know half the story – our own. So we need to ask, not tell. We know our intent, but not the impact we have on the other person. We know their impact on us, but not their intent. So we stay curious a little longer. The best way to do this is to focus on staying open-minded, asking questions and seeking clarification about our assumptions.
Open vs Closed Conversations
If you’ve read Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, and Heen, you’ll know they talk about two main ways people handle tough chats: open conversations and closed conversations. Here’s what they mean:
What’s an open conversation?
It’s when both people are genuinely interested in hearing each other out. You’re not just waiting for your turn to talk-you actually want to understand where the other person’s coming from.
What does it look like?
- You ask questions and listen, not just argue your point.
- You’re open to the idea that you might not have all the answers.
- Both sides feel safe to be honest about what’s really going on, including how they’re feeling.
- Example: “Can you walk me through how you see it?” or “Let’s see if we can sort this out together.”
What’s a closed conversation?
This is when you’re just there to get your own message across, prove you’re right, or point the finger. You’re not really interested in what the other person thinks or feels.
What does it look like?
- You talk at someone, not with them.
- You’re focused on winning the argument, not solving the problem.
- The chat usually stays at the surface – just the facts or who’s to blame-without digging into what’s really going on underneath.
- Example: “You’re wrong, and here’s why,” or “This is how it’s going to be, end of story.”
The Bottom Line
Open conversations are about working together, listening, and being curious – even if you don’t agree.
Closed conversations are about shutting down discussion and sticking to your guns.
You’ll get much better results (and less stress) if you aim for open conversations, especially when things get tricky.
If you want less drama and more progress, go for open conversations – ask questions, listen up, and be willing to see things from the other side.
| Type of Conversation | Closed | Open |
| ‘What Happened’ Challenge: The situation is more complex than either person can see | Assumption: I know all I need to know to understand what happened. Goal: Persuade them I’m right. | Assumption: Each of us is bringing different information and perceptions to the table; there are likely to be important things that each of us doesn’t know. Goal: Explore each other’s stories; how we understand the situation and why. |
| Assumption: I know what they intended. Goal: Let them know what they did was wrong. | Assumption: I know what I intended and the impact their actions had on me. I don’t and can’t know what is in their head. Goal: Share the impact on me, and find out what they were thinking. Also find out what impact I’m having on them. | |
| Assumption: It’s all their fault. (Or it’s all my fault.) Goal: Get them to admit blame and take responsibility for making amends. | Assumption: We have probably both contributed to this mess. Goal: Understand the contribution system: how our actions interact to produce the result. | |
| ‘What are we Feeling’ Challenge: The situation is emotionally charged. | Assumption: Feelings are irrelevant and wouldn’t be helpful to share. (Or, my feelings are their fault and they need to hear about them.) Goal: Avoid talking about feeling. (Or, let ‘em have it!) | Assumption: Feelings are the heart of the situation. Feelings are usually complex. I may have to dig a bit to understand my feelings. Goal: Address feelings (mine and theirs) without judgements or attributions. Acknowledge feelings before problem solving. |
| ‘Who am I’ Challenge: The situation threatens my identity | Assumption: I’m competent or incompetent, good or bad, loveable or unlovable. There is no in-between. Goal: Protect my all-or-nothing self-image. | Assumption: There may be a lot at stake psychologically for both of us. Each of us is complex, neither of us is perfect. Goal: Understand the identity issues on the line for each of us. Build a more complex self-image to better maintain my balance. |
Want to know more? Let’s talk. Click here to contact me